Sunday, 23 June 2013

When will I wake?

I've been thinking lately about this 'grand awakening' that is frequently spoken of throughout underground media circles because I've been curious as to when my own point of contention with this fabricated world actually started. The trouble is, I can't actually define any single point in time.

Certainly 9/11 popped the small bubble that I had going on at the time, which was such:

  • I was working a great job with a promising future at a company that the vast majority of employees would work at until retirement age.
  • I was about to buy my first house
  • I was dating my future ex-wife

None of these things equated to my believing that politicians might ever say an honest word. I already realized that this 'mortgage' I was about to begin, and it's usurious interest was essentially a massive tax on my not being abundantly wealthy. I had a great mistrust for police and other authority figures. I already agreed that Palestine deserved the right to exist, and that Israel needed to stop inciting all the violence. I was already anti-war, anti-consumerism, anti-unrestricted-capitalism, Agnostic (though more recently I think I might have been Gnostic the whole time), and was a conspiracy theorist (who was not fond of the label even then) who did not believe the official stories behind things like JFK and others.

So then 9/11 and a month later I lost that job then go on to find nothing since compares to it. The house, and future marriage still came about, as did the divorce and selling of the house, because the marriage itself was most likely a fraud from the very beginning of the relationship (I'd call her a succubus, but don't want to offend any succubuses out there). Really, this all tied into the DOT-bomb bubble, and not so much 9/11 directly.

I had determined very early on that 9/11 narrative had some pretty gaping plot-holes already forming on 9/12, but would not come to see the magnitude of it all for several years later after much research and an even worse report from the 9/11 commission. I simply knew, at the time, that something was not quite right about it. This was not an awakening, my mistrust in official stories had already been seeded years earlier, so I already understood that a lie can only be unfolded so many times before it is too thin to remain opaque... No it all went back further than this.

Back in '95 I was in a band named Resisting Arrest, whose lyrics (mostly written by 3 people, including myself) focused mainly on corruption in the political ranks, an above the law class (police mostly), racism, the broken dream of a 'leave it to beaver' future, and the burdens of coping with it all... Many of these things I still talk about here... So nope, I was awake then.

School... What did I learn in school? I learned that, when grilled long enough, teachers eventually run out of answers. I won't deny that some of my questions in those days were beyond even my own comprehension, so I am not certain where they came from... I was often seen as a nuisance, and was frequently guided out of the room, where, left unmonitored, I would simply wander the halls. I always barely passed certain courses like: Moral and Religious Education, English, French, and Economics, but excelled in Sciences and Math. History was a bit of an enigma, in that I somehow knew what the answers to the tests were, but never worked much at studying the material. I completely and deliberately flunked my Computer Sciences classes as they were already obsolete, and I look back at that and laugh at the fact that I've spent so much time managing networks of computers ever since.

I can say with certainty, that I know now, why I barely passed in classes that I actually still use: they were taught in a very restrictive way. Moral and Religious Education can be interesting if one looks at how one attempts to define and control the other, but we were not taught this. English and French are taught as a system of arbitrary (and often broken) rules which don't always make sense (doesn't much help that my spelling and handwriting are awful), I would only pass these subjects based on 'creative writing', and even then, so long as I did not attempt to make up my own words. And economics speaks for itself given how frequently I mention that I don't think money exists, or how often I call economics 'the implication of scarcity where a great bounty exists' or 'a mathematics of discarded random variables which do not fit the model overlaid on random and varied humans, who also did not fit the model'... The math and Sciences parts were much more absolute, I never had 'General Science' which gets muddy on creationism vs. Darwinism/big bang (chicken or egg theories, neither of which can completely eliminate the requirement to suspend ones disbelief at some point), but rather, ecology, chemistry, and biology... All of these are absolutes until you get to the parts we still don't understand, and there's little wrong with not yet knowing or understanding so long as these things are openly admitted...

So, I appear to have been somewhat awake then too. Arbitrary rules in language served me no purpose, ancient myths and fables served me only insofar as to understand what goes on in the minds of the devout, and economics was pure bunk. History I did understand was a single sided narrative, as written by whomever was left, and not necessarily by whomever was right, but I learned the story enough to answer some questions. Even Geography was taught more from the perspective of the things that change very slowly, like mountain ranges and rivers, oceans and land masses, etc. with some focus on demographics of regions and mutable lines on a map of countries whose names could change on any given day.

Before school, my parents were not very devout protestants, but at the protests of my grandparents, they did attempt to go to church for a while and allow me to attend Sunday School... I don't remember very much of this time, so I should probably ask them why it seems to be such a small memory fragment... I don't think I went to Sunday School for very long, and I do have greater recall of sitting in the main church more than Sunday school, and even this was a short timeframe... Maybe I was already a pariah then?

I know that there were times in my life when I was haunted by wildly vivid dreams and seemingly excessive deja vu. These reduced in occurrence until they simply stopped outright for many years. I don't often remember dreaming these days, though I suspect this is because I spend my sleeping hours processing the information overload I subject myself to during my waking hours.



  1. "I don't often remember dreaming these days, though I suspect this is because I spend my sleeping hours processing the information overload I subject myself to during my waking hours."
    OMG, thanks for sharing this - major 'me too' resonance + makes sense. Been thinkin the technology may no longer be truly serving me these days. Not sure what I'm going to do about it.
    Keep on with the good questions...

    1. Bear in mind, this is simply the impression that I have. I read a lot most days and I scan through much more than I read. In the mornings after these bouts of reading I have an enormous sense of clarity, which I can only attribute to having spent the night reading all the things I barely even looked at in the prior day.


  2. Well, I had a vivid history of dreaming in my pre-awakening. Post-awakening, my voracious appetite for good research has me doing the same thing as many... spending (maybe too much f'n) time on the laptop piecing things together... and my vivid dreams seem very few & far between now.

    Is the endless virtual stimulation effecting my dreams?
    hmnnn, thanks for the ponderable notion

    got some mugwort somewhere I've been told to try