I have cut myself off from the world lately. It's been weeks since I read any news, and I've barely left the house. It's been a very deliberated effort to try to listen to the world from my inner ear... I don't feel I missed very much, and I don't feel any differently now than I did then. I guess things just don't change much in that short a timeframe...
I do this in the hopes of finding my reinvention, just as I have done so many times before. I can only play the role of cog in the machine for small bursts of time before everything falls apart. It's easy to lose things that you never actually had, by that I mean faith.
I've never had any faith in the machinations of this world. I've long felt something was wrong here, and could usually point to exactly what was bothering me. But, in recent years, I have found a sense of near perfect clarity. I can clearly see beyond all the lies and falsehoods which makes it much harder to act out the role of willing and unwitting slave. I am way past the point at which I could unknow what I have come to understand, and I am neither that good an actor nor liar... Fact is I cannot, not stare and point at the elephant in the room any longer, which makes this whole process of sucking up to some corporate crony in begerance of having food on the table transparently phony.
I will not be getting that insurance I paid for all these years, and asking for that which I paid to be refunded me would become the greatest joke in the history of bad humour. The government has failed me, yet again, with a complete lack of sympathy or humanity, exactly the way I anticipated. And I've come to find I owe them more in taxes this year than I did last year for reasons which bear no logic, and who's repayment cannot be drawn from the nothing I presently earn. If the world wanted me to participate, it's certainly not trying very hard to convince me to play along.
My career in IT is ending... I was already aware this was coming, but thought I'd have another 2 years to find my next gig, the next thing I could act my way through... Like programming or multimedia or design... But I'm just not quite there yet. And with no finances, I can't get there from here.
This blog doesn't yet garner enough traffic to monetize, but maybe it will turn the tides and move me in another direction. It's too early to know yet, though, things are still too cloudy and turbulent for a proper assessment. But that will change soon.
I know my present situation is meant to serve as an example, but to whom? Sure it lends itself well into fear-mongering in many directions... Is this penance for openly mocking the system? Or is it repayment for two-facedly preaching things I wasn't completely ready to practice yet? Both of these work. If this is all meant to keep me in line, it doesn't tend work that way... I've been here too many times before, yet always for different reasons. So what if this time was all my doing... The last two or three times were not, at least this time it was my choice. I chose to disobey, I chose to challenge authority, I chose to stop sheeping in a corner.
I knew the risks, I knew the timing was horrible, nothing that's come to pass in the past six weeks is even unexpected. There was no other way things could have played out. I even knew my job market would run completely dry in three weeks or less. The trend to specialize in one (or another) company's technology in some preplanned obsolescence while everything else outsources or clouds despite that neither of these truly replace having someone on site who knows which end is up... Nobody listens to my opinion in such matters, and I was losing my job to outsourcing and the cloud soon enough anyway, so my actions did not change any outcome, only the timing...
I will reinvent myself as I always have. I just think this time is going to be as much less a chameleon thriving in a world it wants no part of... Less the unrewarding act of playing along in total contrast to everything I believe. I simply need to establish how to make this pay the rent.